“Thanks for calling BodyZone, this is Mike, how may I help you?” He droned it out in the happiest possible tone, just in case this call was being “monitored for quality assurance,” but he got tired of saying it within the first three months of the job. Now four years later, he had a hard time getting the words to roll of of his tongue without feeling at least little distain for it.
“No sir,” he said in to the phone, “we don’t carry parts for anything older than a 1961. There’s just not much money in it anymore more, as there are so few still around.” He listened patiently, waiting for the customer to finish. “Sorry I couldn’t help you. Try National Body, they may have something there for you.” Pause. “No problem, have a great day!”
He hung up the phone, just as a customer approached the counter. “Yes sir, how may I help you?”
“Yeah, do you got parts for a ’71 Caucasian Male?”
“We sure do,” Mike headed for the nearest terminal to look up parts. “What in particular are you looking for?”
“Shoulder ball joint, left side.”
A couple of keystrokes later he brought up the inventory. “Are you going to need cartilage with that, or are you going to re-use the old one?”
The customer apeared slightly taken back, “What, it doesn’t come with the ball joint?”
Mike sighed inside a bit, but managed to keep his smile with the customer. “Nope, they are always a separate package, especially since the cartilage can often be replaced without having to replace the ball joint.”
“Really? Oh… well, given the damage, I suppose I really want is the cartilage then.”
Another customer was now waiting behind Mr. Cartilage, impatiently. Jim wasn’t back from lunch yet, late as usual. “Fuck, I really need his ass back here – I need lunch bad,” Mike thought. Plus just from the look of the next customer in line, he knew what the guy was going to end up wanting to inquire about.
“Oh, and do you have a Haynes guide on a 71′? I lost mine somewhere.”
“Sure do – isle 12, towards the back.”
Mr. Cartilage headed back for the books, and the next customer stepped up. The customer looked around a bit, as if to see if anyone was close enough to hear still. “Yes sire, how may I help you?”
“I’m interested in a hose extension.” Mike sighed audibly this time, then quickly put on a smile. “There it was, the usual euphemism for what the customer wanted,” Mike thought, having answered questions of this nature at least once a week for the last four years, and never once did someone come in and ask for the parts by name.
“Sure, how many inches of penis material are you looking for?”
The customer looked around, just as Mike heard the back door open – Jim must be coming back from lunch, finally. “Ummm, about six more inches?”
“Sir, are you planning on buying a new cervix for your wife? You’ll be bottoming out pretty often if you go that long.”
“Oh, I’m not using it with a woman, so it shouldn’t be a problem, right?”
“Hang on just a second.” Mike quickly spun away from the customer, and headed for the back door. “Jim, this one’s all yours…”
——— Writing Notes ———-
This was inspired by one of those “random thoughts” that occur to me somedays, and formed it’s self into a quick Twitter message “Does anyone have a good source for OEM body parts? And a Haynes guide to a ’71 Human Male? I’ve got a shoulder and a rib that needs replaced.”
The story started building in my head shortly after that – about 24 hours later I finally put it together. There’s a bit of a moral to the story though, that isn’t actually written at all in the story: No matter how fantastic or sci-fi like the future becomes? There’s always someone who’s going to hate their job working in those situations we’d consider to be the thing of fantasy these days.
Well, that and a quick commentary on men and the obsession for a bigger penis – I think that’s the first thing 51% of males would HAVE to ask about at BodyZone (Hey, I’m male, though I’m part of the 49% that would ask about replacement hair.
———- Additional Notes ———-
This short is something I keep wanting to come back and revisit. The idea of being able to walk in and buy parts for DIY surgery amuses me – but it also makes me wonder what the rest of the world that BodyZone exists in looks like. If you can buy replacement parts then you should also be able to buy customization parts.