It’s a shame we have to die my dearÂ
No ones getting out of here, aliveÂ
What a way to go, toÂ have no fearÂ
No ones getting out of here, aliveÂ
— Foo Fighters, DOA
Sometime after the divorce process, I started holding my breath, but I never realized it. Â I let chaos and decay build up around me in my workspace (a no-no, thanks to ADHD – the more clutter, the less productive), and I there were so many things I could have been doing that I hadn’t, both in my personal life and in business.
Divorce, no matter if it’s amicable or not, is a hard process. Â It’s a death in the family you created. Â It’s losing a large part of yourself. Â It’s looking for a moment of closure, when you finally can say goodbye. Â Not to the other person, but to yourself.
In a long term relationship, we give up a bit of ourself. Â We merge it with the other person in the relationship, and we become a new person – even if we don’t want to. Â In many ways, I don’t mind this – I’ve been many people because of some really great loves and relationships in my life. Â I’d never give those people I’ve been up. Â There’s been times I didn’t like who I became. Â The other person also goes through a similar process, becoming a new person. Â And, for those who are Biblically minded, those to people also contribute to a new entity – two people who are echad (a plurality of one. Â Two distinct entities who also are one entity. Â It’s an ancient Hebrew word that doesn’t have a good parallel in English, and it’s a little hard to wrap your head around to fully understand the implications.)
So, when you split, it’s more than just changing yourself again. Â It’s also dealing with losing the other person, and losing what you had become together. Â No two ways about it – it’s rough.
But, I’ve been through it before. Â Long term relationships and divorce both have happened before for me. Â One might say it’s a little sad that I’ve lost enough of those relationships over the years to fully understand the process, and know how to brace for it. Â I’ve also gone through the re-invention process that comes afterwords, after that old you that you had became dies and you have to become someone new. Â And I started the process, but somewhere along the line, I started holding my breath. Â And it wasn’t just that, though – I had other wars I had taken on, and some of those had to come to fruition one was or another. Â My old tax problem finally got resolved, things like that. Â Stuff that’s taken so much emotional energy even when it wasn’t something I could actively work on at the moment. Â It was there, and it took part of my energy.
And, don’t get me wrong – I’m not done with all my wars. Â I didn’t even win them all.
It’sÂ OK. Â I expect to excel at everything, to be perfect, and to win every war. Â I’ve gotten smart enough over the years to know I can’t be perfect, or win every war. Â That doesn’t mean I don’t kick myself when I don’t manage it – and I doubt that ever changes – nor that I don’t strive for winning them all anyways. Â I hold myself to a weird standard, and I don’t plan on giving that up.
Sunday night, I cleaned my office, and I as I was nearing completion, something snapped. Â That voice in the back of my head told me I could breath again. Â Those wars were over. Â I had filed away my enormous pile of tax information. Â The divorce papers were put in the file folder, and put in the file cabinet. Â All the cruft, including sentimentalÂ items, that had built up on my desk and workspaces were cleaned away. Â That phase was really done now. Â I could breath. Â There was room for the new. Â Room for growth. Â Room for me to continue the process of reinventing myself.
Davis is dead – long live Davis.
What changes? Â Who knows. Â I’m still not done becoming a new me (not that we are every truly done becoming a new person. Â There’s just a sort of level of change that is different.) Â And I’ve got a long war ahead of me – I’m still trying to get myself out of a deep, deep hole when it comes to business. Â I’m still trying to get to the point where I’m not living thanks to the kindness of some great people who’ve given me a space. Â I’ve not been winning that war so far. Â But, having freed up mental resources, maybe now I can take this war on more easily, then the wars after it.
Of course, being an optimistic pessimist (every sucks, but it will workout right in the end), I look at this with a sense of hope – I look forward to those wars I need to take on now. Â Because, if you asked me right now, while new energy is flowing through my mind, body, and soul, I’d tell you I can’t lose. Â I’m indestructible again. Â Life can beat on me all it wants to, but I’m still going to win. Â (I’m sure reality has other things in mind, but fuck reality. 😉