If you woulda asked me at 9:30 AM how my day was going, I woulda probably said like complete shit. An, by all rights, this probably should have been a completely suck day. I had insomnia the night before (combination of too much in my brain and my room being REALLY hot and muggy), woke up late (by a phone call from the owner of R &S), and the owner showed up in a reallllllly pissy mood, I screwed up with someone I hoped to someday have a relationship with (which I’ll say a few words about in a bit), and I still haven’t completed one of my projects I was trying to wrap up.
Oddly enough, it’s been a damned good day instead – one o’ those where ya just can’t be beat down by anything! I told one o’ the contractors not to bother showing up (since he was just gonna run up the clock anyway if he showed up, without getting any real work done), so I had R & S all to my self. It was great – I spent most of the day singin’ (horribly) with the music from my phone, and doing some amazing work. Things are getting very close now (a shot from yesterday – didn’t take any today):
Most of the bulk wall work is done today, and tomorrow I start putting up the trim. It’s great – sure, it’s not PERFECT, but damn am I happy with the results.
“If you said goodbye to me tonight,
there would still be music left to write.
What else could I do,
I’m so inspired by you…”
– Billy Joel, The Longest Time
So, I fucked up. This is completely nothing new when it comes to the realm of relationships. There’s a lot of stuff I know pretty well – relationships ain’t one of ’em. Well, let me rephrase that – any relationship I’m involved in or even WANT to be involved in 🙂 Discussing someone else’s relationships, well, that’s a different story – then suddenly I know all sorts of things 🙂 (That, by the way, is a function of being an egotistical bastard 🙂
HOW I fucked up is kinda funny – it was very well intentioned at first. She kinda disappeared one day without a word. I tried to get ahold of her once or twice, and called it good there. No reason to bug the shit outta her or anything. And I get an email finally that says she was sorry for it, and she needed ta’ be alone to sort her feelings out. Well, she knows exactly how I feel, and I know how fears can be.
Um… hm. No, she didn’t know exactly how I felt. Most of the time in email I type exactly how I speak, and without much editing (I edit here sometimes, sometimes I don’t) – by the time we were done exchanging emails a couple o’ times, both of us were so flustered that we couldn’t string a coherent thought together. I think I ended my last email with “Davis, shut the fuck up! :-)” – I was getting ready to go into non-stop babble mode.
Which means, if she didn’t know how I felt, jesus… I fucked up pretty bad, and managed to probably scare her off. *SIGH*
A Pessimistic Optimist
“Each and every heart it seems
Is bounded by a world of dreams
Each and every rising sun
Is greeted by a lonely one”
– Moody Blues, “The Voice”
One of my (many) problems in any relationship is… well… I’m an optimist – it all turns out the way it should be. I’m also a pessimist – “the way it should be” is typically now how I’d like it to be 🙂 My heart is the optimist – that part of me always believes in people, believes that love is forever, and that I’m someone that some gal could fall for someday. And, well, my heart heals nicely – it’s only been broken a couple o’ times, and it comes out of it eventually just fine.
The brain is the pessimist. It’s the one that reminds me I’m divorced, any the few times I’ve been in love it ain’t turned out too well. It also is the part that analizes things for the worst case scenario, and prepares for it.
So I had met this gal a while back, and well, my heart kicked in says “Hm – I think this is a good idea!”. The brain on the other hand looks at her and says “Oh, just wait for it – she’s gonna turn out to be an evil bitch!” (I’ve never loved anyone I woulda called an evil bitch, just for the record. So honestly there’s no real history of that sorta thing to work from 🙂 Gut Instinct (which is that undefinable part that sometimes just seems to pop up with a “feeling” that you don’t know where it came from) pointed towards the heart’s side: She’s a good person at least.
But man… my brain just waited. It’s loaded with all sorts of little fears to turn me from being an extremely patient (with friends and loved ones) and reasonable person to a judgemental, angry bastard. And suddenly there was an opening, and the pessimist went for it – how dare that bitch like, DARE not talk to me! What a bitch! Get rid of that bitch now!
Um, yeah. That’s not me normally. I’m pretty tolerant (which can be good and bad) – Heather once described me as “having the patience of a saint” when it came to her. I’m that way with just about anyone I’m close to, be it a friend, family member, or romantic interest. (Everyone else? Fuck you – get your shit together, and now damnit. No tolerance there 🙂
Thing was that there were all of these big juicy fears for the brain to work with – it was GOING to have to happen eventually. And I was going to have to deal with it head on. She managed to trip some great ones: Fear of being unimportant (she said she was gonna talk to me a couple o’ times, and stood me up, thus making me completely unimportant), fear of relationships (yeah, that’s just a general thing with me :-), fear that I’m making a huge mistake romantically (yes, that’s a fear for me – I don’t want to be one o’ those morons that walks into a relationship blindly, and ends up with some bitch that none of his friends can stand and ends up isolated from the people he cares about because of it. Odd fear, since it’s never really happened to me.)
Hm – a three-fer! Nice. Now, under normal circumstances, when something like this happens (IE, her disappearing and standing me up) I don’t get upset, I’m more interested in an understanding of what happened. As in, past tense – because when I meet up with the person again, I’d just ask (and expect an honest answer).
Fears are funny – they can sneak up on ya, but man when you realize what’s goin’ on and shine a little light on ’em, they start shrivel and whimper in the corner pathetically. (OK, MOST fears. Some really are some nasty monsters to deal with. Then ya just bring a friend. And a baseball bat 🙂
There, now the pessimistic side has had it’s fun with that situation. That’s over with, so I can move on to being more reasonable again 🙂
Er, well, if there’s an again with her!
The optimist says “Just relax dipshit – you said something that that scared her. Her turn to address her fears, she’ll be back to at least tell ya what thinks about it. And probably more.” The pessimist says “HA! She’s long gone dude – you can forget about her already, cause she couldn’t possibly be interested anyway!” I like my optimistic heart, and I’m stickin’ with it’s plan. There’s less fear involved, and well… somehow it sounds right.
One of the things that very much occurred to me today (hey, no one around to talk to, lots of good music… lots of time to analyze things 🙂 – my instant reaction was to apologize for having said what I felt and thought (even if it was supposed to be a supportive sort of thing).
Ya know what? Fuck that shit.
I STILL have problems somedays with telling people how I feel about things. I used to be so damned “say whatever the hell I think about it” it would get me in trouble. Slowly I started building up filters on stuff that’s personal – ya know, I can tell you exactly what I think about someone’s plan to build something, but if it’s something I have any feeling involved with, I started editing myself. Then started editing other little things. I’m trying to get that back – and there’s moments when I still find myself editing what’s comin’ out of my mouth.
Here’s the thing: That was how I feel. Don’t like it? Well, that’s ok too – no one has to like how I feel. But I shouldn’t be apologizing for how I feel. And I definitely shouldn’t be editing myself anymore – it’s not worth it, and if I hadn’t been editing myself and, ahem, trying to “play it cool” about how I feel, then you know what? There wouldn’t have been any shock involved in what I said in the first place. She woulda already known and understood completely, and could have made choices based on that (ranging from “Wow, that’s cool!” to “Uh, hey, ya know what? I can’t do this.”)
And I think Meredith was right the other day – I’m a hell of a lot more “me” talking to myself (and whoever else is reading) on here than I have been when I open my mouth to speak.
Oh, I know exactly where those filters started building up at, and that was one hell of a mistake. It’s probably the worst thing I ever did while married to Heather – slowly build up filters to try and prevent fights. I should have taken my lumps, and just been me. And the truth is, ya know, Heather would have probably loved me for it – it’s not that I turned into a wimp or anything, it’s just it slowly became “not me”. She fell in love with me, not an edited version of me.
So fuck it – I’m back. It’s me again – god help us all. 🙂 No, wait – I’m gonna be just fine. God help YOU ALL 🙂
Ever been in love with a “Just Friends”? I have. Only in love 4 or 5 times (one is debatable – I still have some doubts about having been in love with my ex-fiance Jody.), and one of ’em had to be with a good friend. What a horrible and stupid thing for the universe to let happen. Suddenly you have to question your actions quite often – “Am I doing this because of friendship, or because I’m in love with this gal?” There’s moments when a friend needs you that you’re not there as a friend. There’s confusion and chaos. And there’s painful moments – really painful moments.
I’ve been that route. Oddly enough, it all turned out good in the end, just not nessisarily how I had wanted it to turn out (hehehe – the optimist wins again, and the pessimist wins again at the same time 🙂 It’s possible I could end up doing it again this time. But I REALLY don’t want to go through that again.
So, hm. What does one do? Walk away? Well that seems pretty stupid (and, ahem, I tried that one. I came back latter.) That’s now my next set of ponderances – where’s the line at? She says “I wanna be Just Friends” and I say “OK. CYA!” and walk out? Or do I stick around, and see if things change for her situation? Or do I just stick around to see if I can become Just Friends?
Hrm. This one’s a toughy. Biggest problem is, I don’t think there’s a right answer either. One you’ve gotten yourself in this kinda spot, well, any action (or inaction!) results in a series of events that either involve some shed tears or feeling like I’m an asshole 🙂
Yeah, that’s balls
Today I had a meeting with an automation group that I’m doing some projects for. Everytime I talk to ’em it seems they are nudging me a little about getting a job with ’em. Well, I’m setting down with the owners of the company for lunch today, and the subject comes up.
I used to take GREAT pleasure in turning down job offers. At one time, I used to get about two offers a month. Most of ’em didn’t pay as well or weren’t as enjoyable as what I was doing and who I was working for at the time (until things slowed down. Then the job became hell.)
Well, I told them what up – I’m doing R & S’s for either 1 year, or until he’s ran out of money to build them. They are offering decent money, but after meeting the group I have no confidence in them and an employer. Something was said about benefits, etc. (in an attempt to sway me away from my course and make their pay sound better), and I said “Oh, one other thing – he hear I had other offers on the table and got a little nervous. So he sweetened the deal – he’s offered me equity in the company as part of the deal. So if that falls through, I’ll give you all a call on that offer.” The table went quiet, and the three people looked at each other with a shocked look.
It’s all about games and appearance – whatever the other guy has, we can top. Putting a card down on the table that they couldn’t top? A VERY satisfying moment. Possibly a STUPID moment, but satisfying. 🙂
R & S
Speaking of R & S and satisfying, the owner had only gotten to see a few pieces of brick on the walls before he left for Dallas. He got back today, and he was in a FOUL mood. I mean, really pissy about everything.
Right until he walked through the front door and saw the place. This man just… lit up. The problems of the world went away for a moment – the plan had evolved into a reality. It’s close to ready, and it LOOKS like it’s close to ready.
We went and got parts, and about 5 minutes after we left R & S he was all pissy again. Get back to R & S, and well, he’s all good again, smiling and absolutely loving the place.
Ya know, it’s gratifying to hear thank you sometimes. But to see your work affect someone this way? Oh that’s WAY better than any thank you!
I’ve got a lot of pride in this thing – I can’t wait to drag everyone I know down to R & S after it’s open, and say “See that? I built it. All me.” It’s not perfect. But it’s damned good.
Looks like I get to catch up with some more people I haven’t seen in quite a while – Friday I’m headed over to Cassie and Jason’s house. They’re having a gathering, were I’ll get to see some old friend I haven’t seen in a bit again.
HOLY CRAP! I just looked at the scroll bar on the side of the screen, and realized it’s IIIIITY BITTY now. Uh… hm. Ok, I’ve talked enough – wow, guess I had a lot to say! Heck with it, I’m just gonna wrap this up right here 🙂