This Writer For Hire. Have keyboard, will create. Find out more.

Completely. Fucking. Lost.

Completely. Fucking. Lost.
No matter what I get used to in my very odd life, something or someone comes along and changes things on me and suddenly I’m forced to rethink it all.
For some reason, after I dropped that last large blog entry that ended with my comments about the various bits of confusion that pop up in my… er… friendship… relationship… fake marriage… whatever it happens to be, and reminded myself, this is all just a role, and a temporary one at that.
Then things started to get weird.
Devvi and I realized while we talked on the phone and txted, we really hadn’t hung out in a while.  If I go to Cheney, she’s getting ready for a day off, or a night out.  We chat for an hour or so, and away she goes.  Reverse the process when she gets home – chat for an hour about what’s happened for the day, and away I go, headed home, or if we are around each other for an extended period, the kids are there.  It had been that I’d come over, and we’d hang out chatting until 3 AM multiple nights of the week.  She had made some offhand comment about needing to change that and hang out more.  Really, I was kind of dismissive about that – there’s plenty of other days for us to go hang out.
Now, a portion of this has been brought about by her schedule too – she’s had a Pride float to do, volunteer work for the church, all that good stuff.  So, to me, it’s all good.  I guess I’m secure enough in the situation I don’t HAVE to talk to her every day, nor do I HAVE to hang out with her five nights a week!  It’s nice and all, but that’s just how life goes, and ya’ just touch base often. And as I had mentioned in my previous blog post, I had backed off on calling every night, since, well, she had plenty of friends in her life now, and so much going on.
I’ll admit, writing so often has had some interesting benefits.  I can’t call myself eloquent really, but I’m a hell of a lot better at expressing myself in writing and when I throw out a cute little flirt it’s much more interesting.
We’re txting back and forth Tuesday, and I commented:
“Thank god for one thing at least.  That actually makes two things right for the day:  free parts, and most importantly, getting to talk to you for an hour.  (Had to slide something sweet in there to spread the smiles around a bit :-)”
Devvi txted back: “Yes I’ve missed you too”
I’m not sure what happened.  My next txt was… er… well, fuck, I have no idea where it came from, really.  I just spewed out.
“Missed me?  Why?  I’m right here all the time hon – even without a real relationship between us, you get to cary a bit of my heart with around with you.  If ya miss me, put your hand over your heart, and thing a happy thought – I’m right there, with ya, for as long as you’ll have me.  And there are a finite number of tomorrows, but at the age we are right now, that number might as well be infinite, with no end in sight.  There’s always another tomorrow to sit down and chat – but I’m always just a happy thought away.”
(Me again) “Wow that was… sappy”
Devvi:  “Not sappy, endearing.”
The discussion went on a bit further, but not much – honestly, I was a bit mystified by what had come out of my fingers.  But that’s OK – I also liked it too.
Today she had Alex, her oldest daughter, for visitation (happens twice a week).  On Wensday mornings Devvi and I have a bit of a system.  She sets an alarm for 6:30 AM, so that she can be up by 7 AM, so she can pick up Alex at 7:15.  At 7 AM, I call Devvi to wake her up.  Then at 7:10, I call again to make sure she’s STILL up.  As you might guess, this is something that has evolved over time, based on experiences with her having a hard time getting up to pick up Alex 🙂
So I call her this morning at 7 AM – she’s groggy as hell, but gets up.  I call her at 7:10 AM, and she’s awake and about.  I hang up, and my last thought was “You know, it’s really nice to hear her voice in the morninings…”  And I was dead to the world again until 6 minutes after 9.  Too bad I was supposed to be at a customer site at 9 AM.  Oops!  I told her the story later as a laugh.  
She came over around 11 today with the kids so they could play Rock Band and we could get some work done on a project, do some planning, etc.  We spend a lot of it chatting, of course.
I mentioned in my last post the “I love you. Good night.” thing that’s somewhere between a dismissal and a running gag, but without much context.  It’s an old thing from a couple friends of hers in cali.  If they had friends over, and weren’t getting the hint, they’d turn to their friends, and say “I love you. (pause)  Goodnight.”  And head for bed.  The group would quickly disband.  
Anyway, she told me the story one night when we were up way too late, and we chat for another hour, and she turns to me and says “I love you.  Goodnight.”  We both grinned, hugged, and I headed home.  There’s been a number of bastardizations of that, ranging from simple “I love you. Goodbye.” to “I love you.  I must write.”  
To me, there’s no deeper meaning involved in the phrase, and as a friend, I know she really does love me in that friendship way.  I wouldn’t be where I’m at in her life if she didn’t.
So we’re setting and chatting today, and something is mentioned about some drama going on with some female friends of hers.  They are a married couple that she’s friends with, and have helped out when one of ’em had neck surgery.  But I could see the potential for trouble brewing, but honestly I didn’t say too much.  I commented on a few things, and she agreed with me.  But no big thing. 
Recently, she found one of her best friends from High School, Don.  Cool guy – I’ve met him a couple of times now, and get a pretty good vive from the guy.  She’s been hanging out with him a bit lately (when she goes out partying, that’s who she’s gonna go out with – Don’s a bouncer, so she gets some safety, and some free admission and drinks. 🙂
Then there’s Russ.  Russ on the other hand, I don’t get a good vibe from.  I think he’s trouble, and definitely a drama magnet.  He goes to the same church as her, and at one point asked her out, and she shot him down.  She told me about it, along with the reasons why even if she was into guys, she wouldn’t be into him.  Her opinion was he’d be an OK friend, but anything beyond that, well, he’s just not dating material.
Now, remember the female couple I mentioned when talking about her schedule?  I’ve met ’em, and thought they were nice people.  But the potential for problems stems from the fact that they have a bit of a dicey relationship with each other, and that the Dyke of the relationship is strongly attracted to Devi.
Well, the Dyke has started referring to us as The Three D’s:  Davis, Donald, and Dingleberry.  OK, so I’m not the only one who’s not fond of Russ I guess.  Anyway, suddenly things started to change as Devi’s network of friends spread out to include Don and Russ.  Before, Devi basically had me.  Then the lesiban couple.  Then Don.  Then Russ.  So she spent less time with the lesbian couple, and one day the Dyke pops off with “Well if you like dick so much, you should just start fucking one of the Three D’s.”  Devi was not amused by this – this wasn’t a joke, this was pure jealously on the part of the Dyke.  (When she told me this, I was sort of pissed – I liked the Dyke.  She was nice and sweet – this is the same gal that stood up during a meal I had cooked for us all, took the hat off my head, and kissed me on the head, while she was in a neck brace.  She sincerely meant the thank you for the meal.  She’s “married”, and chasing Devi around and acting jealous?  Bad form from a person I thought was nice.)
OK, so are you following all of the various asides?  Good.  Because the reason for ’em all begins to come together.
I’ll have to point this out to her tomorrow, but Russ is competing with me.  She hasn’t seen it, but I have – I know what he’s doing, but I’m a guy, of course I know.  I’ve been there before – and I wont say WHICH side 🙂  But I’m not cometing with anyone – I yam what I yam, and I dos what I dos.  I’m not going out of my way to impress anyone, Devi included.  
One of the things that happens at Devi’s is I’m also her… well, I’m her fake husband, and we act the parts sometimes.  So I help her out when something’s broken, or needs done.  It’s just a thing.
So she’s pointing out the “roles” each of the Three D’s ends up playing in her life.  And she mentions Russ mows her lawn (if she can ever get the lawn mower fixed.)  I look at her in mock indignation, then do the best kid like arms crossed angry face I can do “OH, so you’ll let HIM mow your lawn?!  I swear!”
She seemed to actually get caught off guard by it, and didn’t take it as a joke as much as I expected.  Oops – I either over or under acted that.  I told her I was picking on her, and it’s all good, hon.  (Hey, I get out of mowing a lawn.  I mean, hell, why the fuck would I bitch about that?)
Anyway, we chatter a bit more about it, and I picked on her again a bit, and she said “I love you.”
Something was off on that one.  There was no trailer to make it a joke like normal, and there was a subtle difference in the tone of voice.  It stood alone.  It took me a moment to absorb it – I was still expecting a trailer at the end to turn it into a joke.  Don’t get me wrong – I said a subtle difference in the tone of voice, not to declaration of love tone of voice people use.  
I’m an ass, and turned it into a joke.  “Whatever!” and smiled.  And she GLARED at me.  “Uh… I love you too?”  “I would have taken ‘I know’ as an acceptable answer too.”  The glare disappeared, and the day moved on.
Still, that got stuck in my head a bit.  I tend to expect nothing new to occur between her and I – we’ve got a routine.  Things are a certain way, and that’s just the way they are.  Nothing shall change.  Really.  That’s how it works in my mind after I’ve sort of got things figured out.
So the day moves on.  Russ lost his job, and asked if he could go hide out at her house for a while.  She was all “sure, why not” sort about it.  And she’s going to go out tonight, so Don is gonna pick her up.
Yes, the Three D’s will all be in the same place at once.  This should be interesting. Ug.
On the way there around 8, Devi txts me that there’s more drama from her female couple friend (who are quickly degrading out of the point of friends for her now.)  I txt her back:  “I’m having your baby.  (Sorry, I just figured I needed to hurry up and add my own little drama to the situation. 🙂  Hey, I could make things worse and get her worked up over the situation, or I could make her laugh.  I know her well enough to know to make her laugh.
So there I am, with the other two D’s.  We’re all four chatting, and I proceed to drive Devi absolutely nuts. She ends up beating the hell out of Russ’s arm because of it.  Yeah, I was amused with myself at that point 🙂
Well, Devi checks her Facebook, and comes outside fuming.  There’s been MORE drama from the Dyke.  So we all step in, and read the message.  I read fastest, so I’m done quickest, I shake my head, pat Devi on the shoulder, and I head back outside.  I know what’s about to happen.
Men shall begin beating their chest in defense of a female’s feelings.  
Ya know what?  As much as I’d like to defend her feelings, I am SO staying the fuck out of this.  It’s far from being a case of I don’t care, but just throwing more negativity at it isn’t going to help at the moment.  And if her and I were alone, I’d do things completely different.  We’d set down, chat, and I’d throw my arm around her shoulder probably, or she’d end up hugging me and crying on my shoulder.  Then we’d talk about it some more.
NOW, though, she’s got two guys literally hovering over her.  Don is her oldest friend in the Three D’s that are standing around (well, I’m sitting.)  I basically differ to him – he’s seen her through more shit than I have.  Me, I just sit down in a deck chair, and observe.  Russ is hovering over her, and Don is hovering over her.  She ends up storming off, and Don goes after her.  I reach over, and grab my phone:
“I love you.  Go out tonight, and forget about them.  Just like some of the other people you’ve had in your life, they aren’t worthy of you.  They aren’t worthy of your love.  They aren’t worthy of your time.  And they aren’t worthy of your anger.  Forget them.  Go have fun with Don, and remember who your true friends are, like Don! :-)”
I sent it to her phone, which was setting on the porch – Russ jumps up to look at the phone, and tell him it’s just a txt from me.  (Actually, that bugged the shit out of me.  It’s a privacy thing – she’s not around, so why would someone start looking at her messages on her phone?  I know what they are most of the time – she reads them too me when she gets them most of the time if I’m there, or the most important ones later when we chat on the phone.  I never ask what they say, it’s just a part of telling how our day has gone when we chat.) 
I figured just leaving the message for her to read later beat the hell out of me trying to crowd her.  She reads it a bit later when we’re all standing around, and just glances at me and flashes me a quick smile.
Russ, for some reason, starts talking about bringing over massive quantities of beer tomorrow night, and everyone getting drunk.  Uh, no thanks – I’d drink with Don anyday, but Russ?  Not so much.  Devi and I were supposed to “hang out” the two of us tomorrow night, but whatever.
So I begin to set about getting my stuff in the house, etc., and beginning to follow some of my routine for the night.  Don and Russ are still chatting with Devi outside, but I need to get some things done real quick.  She comes in, and we chat for a bit, and I ask – “So are you and I going to hang out by ourselves tomorrow night, or ya’ gonna follow Russ’s beer plan?” “He was joking about that.”  “I… don’t think so hon.”  “Oh.  Well, does it matter to you?”  “Naw, have a good time hon – though, I think I’m gonna pass on it.  I really don’t want to sit around drinking with Russ.”  “Well… it’s beer I guess.”  Then a tangental conversation started, and the other D’s walked back in the house.
Not sure what happened, but she started prepping to go out, and took some stuff outside, and the other D’s followed.  I started setting up my computer, to do a little writing tonight (apparently on this blog, rather than an actual book :-), and she came back in.  We’re talking a bit, and I stop.  “Hon, I’m gonna break one of my rules for this situation.  Yeah, it does matter to me.  I’m getting ready to go out of town for two weeks.  I’d like to spend a night alone with you.  If you’d rather have the beer thing, it’s no problem, but I thought I’d tell you.”  (The rule, by the way, is I’m no really interested in standing in the way of her having fun.  She’s just a friend, and if she goes out, she’s more likely to make more friends and / or meet someone significant.  Staying at home with me when there’s a better option is kinda foolish.)  
She looks at me, and smiles.  “OK, just the two of us tomorrow night.”  Hey, cool for me 🙂
So she’s got everything together, and walks back inside.  The other two D’s are still standing outside, and she walks up to me and hugs me.  I kiss her on the cheek (another thing common for us when we say goodbye’s) and tell her to go have fun.  Go get drunk with Don, and forget the other gals.  Then in the morning, when she wakes up?  Continue forgetting about them.  
 
I pulled away a bit so I could smile at her, and kissed her on the forehead.
She reached up, and touched my face.
Since Chris threw a TV show comparison on here before, I’ll continue it.  I realize we just changed intimacy levels rather radically.  In a TV show, this would be that moment where you wonder if the writers are heros or assholes.  You’ve got that scene where two characters have been getting close, but never quite getting together.  Then there’s that scene where the cross that intimacy barrier.  Something is going to happen.
If it’s an asshole writer, someone stops the impending kiss, and the character move back apart for another two seasons, usually having multiple failed relationships along the way, then finally get it together.  And actually, if you dig back through my blogs, looks for “What in God’s Earth am I Doing Now?!” – that moment almost happened.  Huh.  Funny.  I hadn’t realized that until I was writing this.
Hero writers go a different route. A big romantic kiss happens, and everyone in the audience cheers. Folks at home all smile, and the world is good.  You know it’s gonna work out, otherwise the writers wouldn’t have let them have the big romantic kiss.  That’s just the way it works!  
This scene?  It was neither of them.  She leans in, and kisses me.  There’s different levels of kissing in the spectrum, ranging from the “quick peck” to “foreplay”.  My favorite actually lands in the middle:  the relationship kiss.  This is where you’re comfortable with someone – kisses no longer HAVE to be a form of foreplay, nor are the uncomfortable.  The lips aren’t pursed for that quick peck – instead, it lands in that territory where the lips are slightly parted.  The linger just long enough for there to be meaning.  They aren’t scary, there’s no nerves involved, and they aren’t forced.  They just happen.  To me, it’s the ultimate kiss, not because it’s the most passionate.  Because it’s the one that people who love each other trade most often.
(And for anyone who just spent 30 seconds visualizing me kissing – sorry.  Here’s a bottle of bleach for your brain to help remove that burned in image.)
And then out the door she went.
Or at least, I think that’s what happened.  Sure, no nerves involved with her reaching up and kissing me like that.  But the after effect for me was catastrophic.  My brain shut the fuck down for 30 seconds.  I’m certain she said something after that – actually, I KNOW she did, I just have no idea what it was.
This was NOT supposed to be on the agenda.  Most certainly not.  That crossed past an intimacy line we had already had one experience with, and she backed down and drew a line.  End of story.
So, I stagger around a bit, wondering what the hell that was, certain that I just had a seizure and imagine the whole thing.  Any moment, I was going to wake up in the hospital.  Or the sanitarium.
I walked outside, grabbed my last item out of the car, and waved by to Devi and Don.  She’s on the back of his harley (OK, let’s face it, there is no known universe where a woman should pick me over the guy who’s a bouncer who’s riding a harley.  ‘Specially when she’s on the back of said Harley!  I suppose I can draw hope from the fact that science is now positive there’s more than one universe, each unique and different.  The rules might not apply in at least one of them.)  I start heading back to the car, an Don fires up the cycle, and I turn around and wave.  She yells to me:  “I love you!”  “Yeah, I love you too!”  (OK, admittedly, “Yeah” should not have been in that sentence.)
And off into the darkness they rumble.
So I’m setting here, collecting my thoughts.  What will tomorrow night bring?  I’m really not sure if things have changed or what.  Well, no, that’s not right – things have changed.  I’m just not sure what actually changed, if this was just a momentary thing, or if it was the start of something new.  Who knows.  Might as well just keep the film rolling, and see where the series takes these characters.
And this, just days before I head to Kenosha, WI for a two week trip.  

Leave a Reply