Slow Radical Change
(This was experementally written on my iPhone as a note while I waiting on two system scans to complete, so you’ll have forgive me if my spelling is worse than normal, or if my writing is even more dijointed than normal 😉
The other day Tisha made a comment about Devvi’s comment about me being a neat freak. The comment was something like “You? Neat freak? WTF?”
Acutally, this sort of thing is exemplary of the changes in my life recently. Well, actually, recently isn’t right – quite a bit of this has been going on for a while now, though I can trace the slow evolution to neat freak type thinking to about a year ago.
Neat freak isn’t quite the right term I suppose – “organization freak” might be a bit better term for it. For instance, my bedroom / office is continually being reoptimized and reorganized. When I’m getting towards the end of a development project, it needs cleaned up. Otherwise? It’s clean. The bed is made (hehehe – as a quick aside, I ended up with a 20% off coupon, so I now have black satin sheets. Mmmm, satin.) Everyting is in it’s assigned place. The desktop Is clean. Trash only in the trashcan. Blahblahblah. On top of that, I’m alway
s tryin g to improve it further.
I’ve always wanted to be a clean person, but it was never a priority. When I moved from Lance & Meredith’s place, it wasn’t just a desire – it was a requirement for me to keep my sanity. Initially my situation at Doc’s was nearly unliveable, and outside of my control. It’s very liveable now, and partially under my control. ( Im sure that more than one female would be amused how pissed off I get some days because Doc doesn’t clean up after himself very well. Ah, irony.)
Right now my reoganization project involves the addition of a shelf in the closet, and 24 stacking cubes from Walmart ($1 each – these things are awesome) Slowly I move towards my ultimate goal of complete organization.
But that doesn’t just apply to my “office” – a glimpse at my calendar reveals how deep in my life that sort of organization goes. Devi and I were trying to schedule something, and I pulled it up, and rattled off my schedule. Things are scheduled from the small things like “Email Erin” on Tuesday to the important like “Sales meeting with Ryan Schartz at The Anchor” (sold that one easy – more on that later) to the obvious like heading for Devi’s on Wendsay nights.
Customers frequently throw my schedule in disarray though, which pisses me the hell off. Not much I can really do about it – they pay the bills, they, to a certain degree, make the rules of scheduling. But since my schedule is pretty meticulous most days, at least I have less in the way of collisions, and can quickly say what times are and aren’t open. Then I txt Devi and bitch about it.
Same changes apply to some of my internal thought processes. Over the years, I’ve gained so many stupid rules of conduct, Honor rules, etc., that it’s actually pretty burdensome at times. So, I slowly clean that up too. Often it seems I develop whole sets of rules that I apply to my interactions with everyone because of one person or another from my past. Fuck that. I’m me, can’t accept me for who I am? Fuck ya – I need to keep my rules more simple.
Business has also gone through changes. I now have an editor for books, someone who does marketing for the books (or, will be, as soon as the editor is done), a sales person (or two – I had an evil idea tonight :-), and someone who handles my book keeping for two companies. I’m knowledgeable in these areas (except editing), but don’t do them and meticulously or as thoroughly as I’d like, so I fixed the problem with some imaginative solutions.
And of course there’s physical changes too. I did finally loose weight – I now weigh 210. I’m not happy about that – I would have much rather stayed at 220 and just kept gaining muscle and flattening my stomach, but oh well.
There’s still more really – the thing is, well, some parts of my life have changed radically, and never really get mentioned on here. There’s been no real reason to mention it.
The workout has undergone some change – it’s not balanced enough, so I’ve cha
ed it. I started doing Taebo II, but I can’t stand it. The concept is great, but the execution? Well, part of martial arts works by training the body to perform an action sheerly from reflex, based on repetition of that action. You try and throw a punch after doing Taebo workouts for long enough, and I think there’s a good chance you’d get your ass majorly kicked. Great in theory ends up being piss poor in practice. But it did get me to thinking about the nature of the workout, and something I used to do to train those reflexes back towards the end of high school. I’ll develop my own routine – plus I can untrain that habit of throwing a close-fisted punch, and instead throw open hand heel blows (once you’ve had a boxers break, you’re prone to it happening again. Not that I throw a lot of punches, except playing with Madi, and those are all open hand finger tip, just in case I should happen to fail to pull on when I move quickly.) I’ve laid it out, and I’ll give it a shot tomorrow night – should be fun, and a lot more inclusive muscle wise than Taebo was. And of course, on days that I do that as my aerobic portion, I’m still doing pull ups, push ups, dips, setups, etc. for the muscle portion.
But there’s no balance in that, so I’ve added two new things to my workout: Tai Chi, and Yoga. My schedule for a week is now: Mon – Heavy Workout, Tues – Tai Chi, Wens Heavy Workout, Thurs – No workout, Fri – Yoga, Sat OR Sunday – Heavy Workout. This gives me three days a week of beating myself up, two days a week of relaxing / medatative / what muscle did I just pull?, and two days off (potentially.)
Now it’s a bit more balanced – though it could end up potentially less effective. I’m probably going to need an aerobic workout on every workout day, but I’m going to give it a week or two before I change anything up again.
So what have the effects been on muscle mass? Well, an 80 lb child is light and can be thrown quite a distance if I’m not careful (there was a trampoline involved, an
d thankfully I didn’t bounce a kid onto the e
dge, then back off. I think I woulda gotten in trouble with Devi for that one 😉 I now have 16 1/2 biceps, a much flatter stomach, broader chest, etc.
I’m to the point where I’ve changed my shirts completely – I now wear Merona Ultimate T-Shirts everyday. MOST days I look pretty good in them, though I have to wear a belt ’cause my pants fall down too much, which produces some wrinkles at the bottom of the shirt. They are skin tight shirts that wick sweat away better than my Hanes Pocket T’s do (plus I have no pocket to put my iPhone in, so it can’t be dropped outta my pocket, and it improves my “look” since I don’t have a cell phone screwing up my neckline.) However, if it’s beyond 36 hours since I’ve worked out, the muscles begin to relax too much – the abs let go a bit, and the arms look a little less inflated. I hadn’t had a chance to work out when I visited Heather & Nick today, and was a bit embarrassed.
And a day of fast food will make me feel fat as hell – I’m not kidding. I’ve gott
a eat balanced stuff – meat, veggies, grain, etc. I don’t eat lunch at a fast food place very often now, though I did for an entire day once this week. Ug. NOT good. Even lunch with Brandon has become a matter of finding someplace sit down and cheap, so I can get what I need in my diet. Pretty much anything I consume has been cooked by me or Devi.
So, how much difference has my change in lifestyle made? Well, I took a couple of pictures on Wednesday just for some reference for me, and decided, well, WTF, why not just show everyone.
These were taken about two hours after a workout – I had just got outta the shower and dressed when I decided to take ’em. Shows what my stomach looks like normally (that’s not sucked in – sucked in, well… it’s obvious I’m sucking in my gut when I do it now), the veins that have appeared on my left arm (I’m proud of that one on the bicep. Yeah, I’m weird.), and what my biceps look like flexed. Actually, I like that bicep picture – you can also see the ‘v shape’ that I’m starting to get. If I could only get rid of the rest of the fat around my center and get it shaped the way it should be! 🙂
Anything Can Become Routine
I never thought it possible, but, there’s become a routine already for watching the kids. I’ve now got an overnight bag (which is actually packed for up to three nights, just in case something weird comes up, and it has once already. Devi commented the other day if she’d clean her room, she could give me a drawer. I said that’s not an option – there’s something just not right about that, it implies something else entirely), and I show up on Wednesday night about 8 PM at Devi’s, stay the night (I have my own pillow, just so I’ve got one that’s exactly the right softness for me), wake up in the morning and usually make her a cup of coffee. Chat for a bit while she gets her “day off” lined out (day off is a lose term – her last day off was spent on the run most of the day, as she was also helping with a Pride float, and trying to find an old teacher of hers from High School with her friend Donald), and away she goes usually about 9:30, 10 AM. She makes sure I’ve been updated about anything that’s been going on with the kids (usually I already know from talking to her throughout the week anyway) The kids usually feed themselves breakfast, and we all start the day playing games, etc. I make ’em lunch (which involves a microwave mainly – Devi tries to make sure there’s enough left overs that I don’t have to cook a real meal), then go play on the trampoline a bit after lunch, etc. She’ll check in once or twice just to make sure everything is OK with the kids, and to see if I need to make any schedule changes (IE, if there’s a reason why I’ve gotta bug out early or anything.)
Eventually Devi gets home (depending on why I’m watching them, it may be the next day before I see her – I’ve watched ’em twice now just so she can go out and party. I can party anytime, and do – today I hit two parties, and could have hit a third if I wanted to, along with stopping by to socialize with Nick and Heather – she can only do it when someone will watch the kids for the night 🙂 and there’s a sort of changing of the guard again. If it’s morning, I bring her coffee (and get told how amazing or awesome I am), and we discuss what the kids did. On the nights she’s out all night, she calls to say good night to the kids, and chat with me for a couple minutes.
It became routine and natural way faster than I thought it was gonna be.
I did have a disruption to the routine this last Wens. though. Madi, Marc, and I were jumping on the trampoline, and I was jumping to intentionally pop them up as high as possible (which is what they wanted), and Madi hits the trampoline wrong, and instantly begins bawling.
I do a quick look-over on the ankle – no obvious dislocation or break at first glance, but it was nearly 100 degrees outside, I needed to get her off of there quick. So I moved her to the side of the trampoline, get down, then scoop her up in my arms and carry her inside. She quickly quit bawling when I scooped her up – there were still tears, but much slower and less noise involved. I then begin to check her ankle out closer, probing mainly to make sure there wasn’t a break and that it was just a sprain. I make and ice pack for it, and txt Devi, briefing her on the whole thing and the observations I’ve made on it, along with “no need to come home yet – I’m going to txt you again in 30 minutes to update you on it.”
It took a while, but the pain went away mostly (it’s a sprain), and she was back up and moving in about two hours. Her and Marc played with my phone, using it as a camera and video recorder (there are more pictures in existence of me because of two kids now than I think have ever existed in my whole life. Sheesh. And let’s not get into the videos they’ve taken of me, I think they managed to film about two hours of me SITTING AND DOING NOTHING INTERESTING.) I figured the whole thing was forgotten.
I was doing the dishes from lunch (what good is a day off if Devi has to come home and do dishes?), when Madi walks up to me and says “Thank you.” “For what?” “For everything.”
Ya know, I didn’t really do this for a particular payoff. I get a day off from the stresses in my life, and get to feel, well, like I’m a part of a family for a while. That’s pay off enough. Having a 9 year old give you a sincere thank you? I discovered that was a payoff that left a bit of a bright spot in my heart for the rest of the day.
A Cheering Section for WHAT?
My friend Maha and I chat about twice a week again now, which is always nice. But there’s this oddity on her part – she’s become convinced that Devi and I are like somehow going to get together. Everytime we talk she asks how things are going with “my muse” (OK, I’ll give her this point – I’ve never referred to Devi as my muse, but Maha is more right than wrong on that point. Devi is the cause of me starting to write Muse, and ends up keeping me going on it in many ways. Mainly because it’s a good romantic outlet when I’ve got someone in my life that I’d like to have a relationship with, but won’t ever.)
Everytime Maha asks if Devi has decided to start going out with me or not, I explain it’s not like that, Devi is a lebian, and there’s no way we’re going to date.
This last one was the oddest though – we were talking about my future, and things I had in mind, including what I’m going to do when it comes time to move out from Doc’s place. Maha asks “So are you going to move in with Devi?” “What? No. Hell no. That’s not even a possibility.” She explains that it seemed to her that Devi and I were already on that track.
I’ve tried to explain this one to Maha in every possible way, and she still keeps insisting that Devi and I are somehow supposed to be together. *SIGH* Gonna have to find some other way of getting through to her that it’s not gonna happen. Though I suppose it’s not THAT important, but shit, the last thing I need is someone trying to convince me to chase an impossible situation. But I suppose on the other hand, it’s nice to have a cheering section for something at least 🙂
I’m also a bit worried there might as second member to that cheering section developing, and it’s much more worrisome. It’s a small thing, and probably nothing, and I’m reading too much into a small comment, but if I it were to be true, there could be trouble brewing. Madi had my phone shooting video of me again (I need to make a list of things to suggest they video, so I quit being the star) and says “Make a heart with your hands!” I hassle her a bit like I normally do, and eventually make a heart using my two hands. She says “Now point at the phone!” So I do. “I am sooooo showing mom!” I cocked an eyebrow at her, and asked “Why?” “Because then you’ll be telling her you love her!”
Uh oh. Kids are perceptive sometimes, more than we give ’em credit for. So it’s possible she sees something that’s not discussed – Devi and I have talked about us a time or two, and “passed” on the situation, but never around the kids. What I’m hoping is that Madi isn’t somehow getting the idea that a “Devi and I” are possible, or that she gets attached to that idea. It’s not going to happen.
I think one of the conceptual problems that might be involved with Maha is the inability to grasp that, yeah, Devi and I act like a couple, but only because we’re filling a role in each other’s lives until one of us finds someone to fill it for real. And if Maha gets the wrong idea, well, no real harm done. But if Madi starts getting the wrong idea? There could be some harm done. I’m gonna keep an eye on it – so far I haven’t mentioned that one little incident to Devi, but if I see any sort of a repeat, well, it’s going to be discussion time.
Use Any Advantage
I’ve always picked on women for using sexuality in business, ranging from just dressing to kill to flirting with a client or salesman.
Well, I’m now officially guilty of it myself.
I had a meeting with a potential client on Wensday. I planned my workout so that it ended about 45 minutes before the meeting, and hit the shower. Instead of my usual shirts I wear for meetings, I picked another one of my skin-tight Merona’s instead. On the way to the meeting, I used some isometric tension exercises in the car to make sure the veins in my arms were still popped out, and blood was still filling my muscles.
Ya see, I knew ahead of time the potential client was a single gay guy. Yes, it was an extremely easy sell.
I guess it’s nice to know it can work for men just as well as it does for women. Just, um, a little more odd. 🙂
When I started calling Devi on a nightly basis her girlfriend had broken up with her. I know how the lonelyness felt in such a case, so I told her I’d call her every night. She didn’t have a network of friends here locally to lean on, and didn’t have Internet access. Hell, I was just about it in her life.
Things have changed – she’s reconnected with some of her buddies from high school, made new friends, and has Internet access so she’s got all of her old friend to talk to.
So I quit calling as often. She has plenty of people to fill her life, and she’s also got a bit of a social life these days, along with volunteer work.
Something was said about it the other day, and she asked why I didn’t call every night anymore. I explained she had a life now – she often had things she was doing. She countered that she didn’t have that much of a life (she’s got more of a life than she thinks she does). So I point out how much time she spends away from home, etc. She counters again with how if I call and she’s busy, she’ll tell me. Or she’ll just take the time and talk to me then. I should just feel free to call. I said OK, no problem, I’ll make sure to call.
I walked away from the conversation a bit confused. She never asked me to call – she said everything BUT “please call me.” But she made it clear I was supposed to call every night, without demanding it either.
OK, so, I guess I’ll call every night at 10 PM like I had been. Routines can be important, I suppose.
Remember Your Place
Now, it’s no coincidence that damned near every blog entry I’ve made lately has had the name Devi involved in it somewhere. I’ve said before sometimes I write to try and figure things out, sometimes I write to tell stories, and sometimes I write to just brain dump. It’s up to whoever bothers to read it to figure out which 🙂
In the case of Devi, it’s all three.
Writing most of this has been stories and brain dump. But as I got to the end, I’ve gotten myself confused again. What am I doing with her exactly?
My mind keeps reminding me of my place. This is a fake role I fill, a tide me over for both of us until we find a significant person in our lives. Now don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t pass up on the chance to date Devi, but that’s not in the cards. But the oddest things creep up on me somedays, and my heart sees a different picture.
About a week back I wrote her a letter. Not an email, an actual letter, written on parchment with neater handwriting than normal, and wax sealed (hey, I figure if I’m gonna do something, do it with a little style.) Basic jist was “Hey, you and I keep saying what we want from a person in our lives, and we both keep pointing at each other. Maybe we should do something about that.” I left it on her pillow on one of the nights when I was watching the kids and she wasn’t going to be home until late.
I didn’t figure it would change anything, but fuck it – I’ll let my feeling be known, thanks. Anyway, I happened to be in her room (my base of operations when watching the kids – I keep my overnight bag in there), and noticed it was laying on her in table, and she had obviously read it. She never said anything, but I didn’t really worry about it – it wasn’t something that needed a reply.
A day later, I happened to be with her, and she had her purse setting beside her (it’s a small purse), and I noticed the letter poking out of the top. Huh. Then later again in the week, I saw it was still in the top of her purse after days had passed. Purses are automatic sorting devices – the least used thing tends to go to the bottom of the purse. If the letter was on the top after a couple of days had passed, it implied she may have re-read it. Who knows.
Then there’s all of the little comments she makes. She commented the other day that I should move in beside her so we can work out together (the house next to hers is vacant.) The various jokes about how we should be married, or are practically married. Shit like that.
Or our “I love you. Good night.” (or “I love you. [insert closing statement.]”) (There’s a back story behind the whole thing, that I’m not gonna get into now – it’s bloody near 7 AM now, and I’m going to finish this post!) Sometimes I swear I hear something else behind that, beyond what it’s supposed to mean.
Or the fact that she trusts me to spend all day with her kids alone (there’s a reason why that wouldn’t normally happen with most people, but it’s not my story to tell.) Or that she knows her kids are starting to bond to me as if I was someone permanent in their lives, and she seems to encourage that. Or that people seem to think when they see us together that we are a couple. And a ton of other stuff.
It’s a role. That’s all I’m doing, filling a faux role in her life, and she fills the same role in mine. There’s nothing else. There’s nothing more. There will BE nothing more. Eventually this all comes to an end – either she finds someone, or she moves away.
There’s that word. “But…” There’s always this part of me that has some sort of reservations that what I’m seeing on the surface isn’t the whole story. That there’s something more lurking below. That part of me, deep and hidden, still hold out a hope that there’s more there.
Eventually I’ll find where that part is hidden, and stomp the ever lovin’ shit outta it. This is just a role, temporary and without real meaning. I just have to remember that.