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Kickin’ ass, takin’ names

They need a ‘Kick Ass’ mood indicator. Guess I’ll have to settle for ‘Productive’ πŸ™‚

Got a quiet moment at work, so, I’ll post a real quick entry. Heabo and I managed to do something like 14 feet of our new path in front of the house this weekend. Looks awsome. Bought new plants for the back yard – 3 grape plants (edible, not wine grapes – I’ll get the wine grapes from Dad in May or so), raspberries, black berries, and blueberries. We’re going to use them to fill in one last area that’s still visible from the street.

Found a place to get most of my small fruit trees – looks like we’ll probably go ahead and buy them, and plant ’em this year. Some of them will bear fruit the first year, some won’t. But it will be yet another item to eat and give away to friends πŸ™‚

The new baby cultivator / rototiller kicks ass. I’m surprised how well it will eat up the hard ground and roots in some areas. Definitely a good investment. Granted, because of it’s small size it takes some time to work up a small area, but it’s still faster than doing it by hand!

Dispite the very busy weekend, Heabo and I had breakfast with Dave, Jessica, and Liam. We all managed to take up a table at the Village Idiot for over three hours chatting. I dunno how much Heabo would agree or disagree with this, but, I think Jess has really grown up considerably since having Duncan, and more importantly, since meeting Dave. Before meeting Dave, her biggest attribute she was looking for in a man was a father for Duncan. While she found that, she also found a life mate, and I think that made all the difference in the world. Now, that’s not to say that Jess isn’t still involved in dramas – it’s just that they are much smaller now, and seem fairly unimportant to her in comparison with other things. She’s no longer involved in personal wars for or against people – which usually was just for the sake of not being bored I think.

She’s still got an odd love-hate opinion of Pop at the moment. I think that’s going to change eventually. Heabo and I were talking about that just two days before setting around Village Idiot with them, and most of what she said confirmed some of my earlier observations. (That’s the other thing – I think Jess is now more honest with herself, and more honest with the people around her now as a result.) She still clings to past opinions and ideas like a security blanket, but, she now has started to look outside that somewhat (that statement isn’t in relation JUST to Pop either), and looking towards the future, and how she would like to redefine her relationships with other people.

She’s trying harder it seems to build a relationship with Heabo, both as a sister and a friend. She still has to prove herself in the eyes of Heabo, I believe. There is a past that looms over things, IMHO. I’ve seen Heabo go on a rant about Jess many times when Jess first started to try reaching out to her, but, those seem to be getting fewer and farther between. Jess has done stupid things in her past, in Heabo’s opinion (in everyone’s, including myself πŸ™‚ and now she has to prove this isn’t going to turn into another one where she befriends someone and then tries to distance herself again. (Correct me if I’m wrong, my love – you still do know her better than I do! And you definitely know what you are thinking better than I do πŸ™‚

As for the friendship between Jess and I, that seems to also be rebuilding somewhat. For some time, there were subject that seemed a bit taboo, like the fact that we ever dated was skirted around. Not sure which one of us put the taboo there – or if it was just some sort of automatic thing that happened. Which is a bad thing – a large amount of our history is from when we dated. But apparently that taboo is broken now, and it’s ok to talk about it. (And Heabo doesn’t seem to have a problem with it, which is even more important in my mind.) We seem to be going back to where we were, frendship wise, while we dated.

That probably requires explenation – most of the time when we dated, Jess refered to it as “Best Friends with Benefits.” Part of the benefits being sex, of course, and the fact that we were together most of the time as a somewhat couple. Since there was no actual commitment on our part, we spent our time together by choice, not by obligation. While I have obligation with Heabo, I still feel Heabo and I spend our time together for exactly the same reason. It always feels good to be with someone because you want to be, not because you feel you have to be or that there is some sort of requirement. It’s one of a couple of paralells between two relationships that are very different from each other.

Anyway – it’s good to see that things are going well for her, and it’s nice to have her as a friend again.

It also reminds me that the next time I see Pop, I’ll set down and tell him my observations. The last time that the subject of Jessica came up with Pop arround, Heabo, Pop, and I somewhat discussed the subject – as in, I kept my mouth mostly shut. Pop made the comment about that he wasn’t being impolite by not watching us as we talked, it’s just that as he watches someone he can tell when they are lying or telling the truth – and sometimes he doesn’t want to know. (Which, BTW, made me raise an eyebrown when his eyes focused back on the computer screen. The statement opened some questions about how he operates with that – because most of the conversations I’ve had with him have had pretty complete eye-contact. Quirks in situations like that don’t go un-noticed – instead, they get filed in the ‘More Information Needed’ file for the person, and I continue to observer, or, I’ll just break down and ask my questions concerning it.) Anyway, back to the point – it’s the one converstation with Pop where I was less than honest. Call it lie-by-omission, or, call it holding back, but, I said very little. About a month later, I finally told Heabo what I though about what was said, and how some of those things don’t apply to Jess anymore. Her and I talked about it for probably a hour or two, and she said something earth-shattering. Basically, tell Pop what you’ve seen – he would probably like to hear it. So I’ve made a mental note after that conversation to talk to Pop the next time I see him, and ask him if he’d like to hear what I’ve objerved on the subject. I’ll also explain why I was less than honest (two reasons – one, part of the thoughts weren’t complete yet, and two, I wasn’t really very sure about the appropriateness of me disagreeing with him about someone who is a memeber of his family.

Hmmm… this post has more ‘private’ thoughts than I usually share on here. There’s a certain level where I don’t normally type on here – apparently, given a couple of posts, that level changes. I’ve been somewhat using it as a diary, but, holding back certain stuff. Normally most of this post would have been held back, but, guess this is slowly but surely becoming a real diary of my thoughts. Not a bad thing, really. I COULD mark this post as ‘private’, since there’s stuff that could be semi-controversial (not as bad as the Patty post πŸ˜‰ but who cares – if someone can’t look at my thoughts on here and understand that yes, I am a potentially flawed person with potentially flawed observations and accept that fact (and I’m open to people pointing it out πŸ˜‰ then they shouldn’t be reading my diary πŸ˜‰ (Of course, most of the people who read this are fairly open minded, so it shouldn’t be an issue.)

As usual, I’ve been working and typing in this thing in a back-and-forth manner. So if something seems fragmented, well, that happens when you keep task-switching πŸ˜‰

something to proveΒ 

phoenixryderΒ 

2002-03-18 12:59 pm UTC (from 65.29.227.195) (link)Β  Select

I really hadn’t realized I was resisting Jess’ attempts to reach out but I guess I was. There was a lot of hurt feelings when Jess seemed to change loyalties at the drop of a hat and go back to Kansas.

I’ve been pretty wary of getting close to her again beacause of that. It’s funny how long someone can hold that over you- I really should readjust my thinking.

And yes I do think Jess is doing much better. She’s happier and healthier. And it’s nice to see how well she and Dave have formed a relationship out of love and understanding then things I watched her base relationships on in the past. I’m really pround of her.

So is this one of lessons that having kids changes you?

I expect that it would but I wonder if I’m ready for the kind of about face that having duncan did for Jess.

I guess I can just hope to count on the fact that it will effect me differently. (and I just pray it’ll be a good differently.) But that’s a while off yet so I have plenty of breathing room.

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Re: something to proveΒ 

midnightryderΒ 

2002-03-18 01:26 pm UTC (from 208.34.45.132, via 208.34.44.5) (link)Β  Select

I think there’s more to it than just her havin’ a kid that made her change. Some people don’t change at all when they have kids (and sometimes that’s a bad thing!) I think it’s just that the right things happened in her life at the right time to make her re-evaluate her life (even it it wasn’t a concious thing) and slowly set her on a new path. And given that she’s putting effort into trying to reach out to you, it’s got to at least be partially a concious process. But that’s just my opinion.

I still wonder what sort of effects having kids is gonna have on me πŸ™‚

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darnΒ 

2002-03-18 06:53 pm UTC (from 216.17.193.57) (link)Β  Select

right on target……!!!

and the following is my opinion obviously……..

and Pop would be very interested to here unbiased news of his kids…he had friends doing that for him for years…..but they moved on…..

and he never gets to see the real people….they tend to change back to rebellious/passive aggressive/ confused kids when he enters the room…..

so any and all news is always appreciated……

he and I both tend to stick with the last picture that was drawn for us by others that know more on the subject….we have our experience to explain why the reactions are what they are to us…….

but we also need to hear how life is when we are not around….(the real world)

our picture of everyone includes a well rounded mature person (if not now and we hope soon)….it is just that that person is not yet able to deal on that level with the parental issues from way back when…..

(baggage) we all carry it…..(or is that like the luggage character again……) it follows us everywhere!!! ha

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midnightryderΒ 

2002-03-19 09:00 am UTC (from 208.34.45.132, via 208.34.44.5) (link)Β  Select

I’ll keep that in mind for the next trip to Loveland, Co πŸ™‚ If he would rather I email him, tell Pop to drop me a line.

It’s gotta be a frustrating situation for ya’lls.

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Re:Β 

darnΒ 

2002-03-19 11:50 am UTC (from 216.17.193.57) (link)Β  Select

it is probably more fustrating for me than him…..he fels that he should not expect anything more than the worse case scenerio……

it was from all his decisions that all this came about….(from the moment he had sex with amy in college until now )

I expect more from the kids that he tried to protect from so long…..I believe that when they get the whole story, it will make perfect sense…and he will get the respect he deserves…

(I am also prejudice)…I was there for all the really heart-breaking decisons he had to make for the sake of the kids…..

number one…the marriage ( to fulfill his responsibility as a father..he could not see any other choice )

10 years of marriage….to help raise the kids and be around and provide…

the divorce tore him up….and then the job change to colorado…..

he made a very very difficult decision to leave the state.when it became obvious that amy would fight and fight and fight to keep his influence to a minimum……he could not get custody…and just saw a friend and his ex wife tear the whole family apart…

he decided not to fight …give amy any help she needed and have friend keep as eye on the kids…

(from afar)

then when Jessica said she was desparate to get away and that she was on drugs and had attempted sucide etc….he chose to fight for custody of her and get her here so she could be stable and get counseling….

somewhere along the way…the rebellious girl switched parents..and rebelled against the other one…and has never really stopped…

so we wait….some day we believe that she will talk to him as an adult….

the others have managed to get past all the turmoil and get to know him…

jessica tends to hang on to a parent to rebell against….

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darnΒ 

2002-03-19 11:54 am UTC (from 216.17.193.57) (link)Β  Select

almost forgot…a good example of what pop feels….

he takes us all out each sunday after the paper route to the village inn …we have a favortie waitress there that he keeps up with ..she is pregnant with her first kid, (married to the cook there)…she looks and acts and talks like Jessica….

she sits down with us at the table to eat with us and tell us her life story ..and what is happening…..he always leaves her tremendous tips…..

and it is obvious to all of us that in some sort of way we have adopted a surrogate Jessica ..because the other one is not ready yet….

so he feels..but he will not talk about it…..he waits..

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Hmm…Β 

midnightryderΒ 

2002-03-20 09:05 am UTC (from 208.34.45.132, via 208.34.44.5) (link)Β  Select

Ya know, I stepped back and thought about this for a while before replyin’ to it, tryin’ to assimilate all that I know and put it in a big ol’ pile and make sense of it. No dice. To me this all seems soooo… strange. I’ve got like no frame of reference for somethin’ like what Pop goes through. My family was fairly simple (and small πŸ˜‰ I just look at things like this way too simplisticly to fully understand it πŸ˜›

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