Into the Midnight Blue..
Today’s blog is brought to you by Foreigner…
“Ain’t got no regrets,
Ain’t loosin’ track of
which way I’m going,
I ain’t gonna double back no”
— Foreigner, “Midnight Blue”
Yeah, I’m an odd guy sometimes 🙂 Might sound like a bit of an odd choice for theme music for the day, but it came up on my phone multiple times. See, I finally managed to get my phone set up the way I wanted it to be (well, almost – I don’t have iTunes loaded on it, but it’s a CDMA phone which makes it a complete BITCH to do). So now my phone doubles as an MP3 player for me, so I can crank out some real work at R&S. Music + Davis + Work = LOTS DONE FAST. ‘Specially if I can get people to leave me the hell alone while I’m working 🙂
Anyway, that one kept coming up on the play list for some reason, and it made me a bit introspective about things. Of course, if the wind blows just right I get introspective these days, so no real surprise there 🙂
I slowly but surely built up my list of To-Do’s (ranging from paying off my OMFG debts I have to buying the land for the house) and I’m executing on it slowly but surely. I know what I want – though some things are more doable than others! 🙂 I realize that list isn’t much different than it was Before The Great Collapse of My Life. In fact, it’s damned near identical, one of the main differences being Heather isn’t a part of my life.
Lately I haven’t been talking to Heather – she’s been busy, and well, it just seems like there’s a bit of a gulf that’s formed between us. Let’s face it – we were married, and eventually a time has to come where our friendship portion of the relationship has ta’ get definied. It never really went through that stage. But, I did just drop here an email saying Hi, how’s it going type o’ thing.
But I definitely miss her. Not so much in a romantic sense – I’m over and past that – but I miss the friend she is and can be. You can never have too many friends that you trust, and she’s always one I’ll trust.
I did however, have a very… well, strangely sad moment from something in our marrage this weekend. I finally replaced my totally screwed up wallet (and somewhat expensive, from Wilson’s Suede and Leather) that Heather gave me before we got married with a cheap $3 from WalMart. There was something very sad about retiring that particular present – it’s been with me so long now, and remembering who gave it to me just made me sad.
But so much of that life is long gone now – and I can’t say I’d change it. Yeah, I’ve walked through hell because of it, and I’m still not quite out the other side of Hell just yet, but there’s so much that I learned. And looking at my list of goals and seeing that they are similar to what they were before, well, is a bit satisfying in a way. The difference was learning there’s better ways to obtain those goals. I know which way I’m going, and I have no intention of ever walkin’ through Hell again, alone or with friends. But if I damned well find myself doing it again, I know the territory and that it’s completely survivable with your soul in tact.
Struck With The Blues
“Things could be different
But that’d be a shame, ’cause
I’m the one who could feel the sun
Right in the pouring rain“
I’ts damned hard for me to stay in a bluesish funk for very long. There’s just too much… magic that happens around somedays to let it persist. However, I got struck pretty hard for a couple o’ days (I felt a little jilted by someone, and I dunno… for some reason I took it way harder than is reasonable :-), then, I dunno, just the right sequence of songs comes on the radio, and I’m damned near healed up over stupid shit. It’s just the way it works for me. And watching the owner of R&S BBQ get grumbly and freaked out – I just keep finding the upside to everything, and keep an positive outlook. That same thing happens to me in pretty much everything too – I felt a bit jilted, then pretty soon I start thinkin’ “Oh, good, a break in the action where I can get my head together and get some stuff done.”
It’s just how I my brain got re-wired on the way through my own personal Hell. (Note – while I mentioned walking though Hell, each person has their own, some worse than others. Let’s face it, the Hell that someone who lives in Darfur exists in is completely different and A WHOLE LOT WORSE than my own personal Hell.) I guess it’s a survival tactic. ‘Cause lemmie tell ya – at one point, I was glad I didn’t have guns in the house. I wouldn’t have made it (oddly enough, it’s about the only way I can imagine killing myself, mainly because that’s what my mother did when she did it. Everyone’s actions always have an effect on those who remain behind, even if in very strange ways sometimes.) I contemplated buying one just for that. Yeah, I really was that bad off for a while. It improved before I moved in with Lance & Meredith, but it’s still probably a good thing they don’t own guns either 🙂 I was a “on the bright side” guy a bit before that, just not to the extreme I am these days.
I remember Tammy telling me how she got to where she is now, and I’ve contemplated – I wonder how many people, when they pull out the other side of a hellish experience would actually go back and change it. Next time I see her (whenever that is) I’m gonna have to ask her: Would you have went back and changed anything, based on where you are now? (I use Tammy as the example because of anyone I know personally, she’s probably got one of the meaner personal Hells she delt with) But the same question applies to everyone: Standing any looking at where you are now, would you change how you got here? (Or for that matter, is Here a place that you feel was worth the effort that went into getting Here?)
Did the usual Sunday Lunch-ish thing with Lance, Meredith, Neil, and Cindi. I’m likin’ this – it’s becoming an actual habit, instead of just a random idea that we should get together every week. This week was Buffallo Wild Wings – ok, I really need to find me a big ass Nerf baseball bat to carry with me to these events. No, not to smack anyone at the table, but instead to whack the fucking waiter / waitress with if they fuck up service as bad as BWW did. Jesus, what the hell is wrong with people? It’s not THAT hard to serve food. Really.
Also went out to a party with Neil & Cindi on Saturday. Ahem. I’m not gonna say a whole lot about that, since at least one person who reads this under age. But it’s interesting to go out and meet people who aren’t complete putzes (how do you pluralize putz? :-), friendly, and happy to see a new face. Gotta run into more parties like that 🙂
Getting closer to done. The plumber was in looking at setting the sinks, the equipment guy was in looking at getting the walk in coolers set up, etc., etc., etc. It’s a race now – I want it done NOW so I can move on to other tasks for a while (like getting multiple automation jobs done). By the end of the week though, it’s going to look very close to done! I can’t wait to pop some pictures on here, all the the captions “I built that!” 🙂
R&S location ..2 is already getting it’s letter of intent signed on for the lease, and well, I can’t say much more than that really. But it looks like the owner may have cooked up a real winner this time. Sure, we’ll have to wait and see, but it’s definitely generating a lot of excitement!
I pulled down all my dating profiles a while back because, well, I needed to re-evaluate what it is I really wanted out of a relationship. It took a bit to ponder this. Heather, for instance, I was a complete wet blanket (IMO). I really wasn’t very romantic, in her opinion (and thus, in my opinion too 🙂 But I had to think back – what really excited me in life when it comes to a partner? What was it that I needed to keep me a bit more romantic the next time out? And, excluding my relationship with Heather, how much romantic crap did I used to do?
Heather was an interesting set of exceptions on my life it seems. Often with her I did things quite differently than I did with other girls I had been with. Ya see, I’m the guy who LOVES to ride in on his white horse and rescue a maiden in distress. With Heather – well, problem is she was just way too much of a warrior’s spirit. We should have been down at the pub havin’ beer and recalling war stories – that would be more fitting quite often than the relationship we had (and she and I had talked about that multiple times).
So I distilled that a bit. And the result was a bit surprising. I need a measured dose of drama. That’s why the hell I ended up with Jessica for around two years off and on – there was always another rescue, always another person to defend her from, and always another set of fires to put out.
Additionally, I WANT someone who’s a little more aloof quite often – someone I can’t quite feel like I garantee I have their full attention (or even have their attention at all – how much energy did I expend trying to win Meredith’s heart back when I was chasing her around?) If I feel like I have their full attention, well, then I start to get lazy about it. I’ve written poetry, music, and one failed attempt at a novel (which I should probably resurrect some day just for the hell of it – it was a damned cool concept), set up cool romantic dinners, etc., etc., etc. I don’t really consider myself very romantic most of the time, but I have to admit, I’ve done some fun and cool stuff trying to win one heart or another.
I’m not a jealous person – even if I don’t have their full attention, well, I don’t feel threatened by others very often. I’d like it to stay that way too 🙂 I prefer my mate isn’t jealous either if possible – I’m a serious flirt, and that’s not likely to change.
Here’s what’s scary – I’ve already got a million ideas of things I’d love to do to the next person I find to chase around 🙂 I really don’t have any candidates to be recipients of my romantic energies, which is a pity. I can think of a person or two that are likely candidates, but well… when you like the idea of a dose of drama, there’s always going to be some interesting problems from the very start 🙂
That’s only part of the story, of course – there’s a lot more to it. Has to be someone I can respect, has to be someone I feel like I can have a good conversation with. Someone who likes to laugh, loves to chat, etc.
I’m not going to put my dating profiles back online just yet, but, eventually I probably will, and finding a way to explain what I want is gonna be real interesting 🙂
Ok, off ta’ bed. Yet another day of rockin’ and buildin’ a BBQ joint tomorrow 🙂 I re-loaded my phone with some new tuneage, and I’m ready to get some serious shit done 🙂
“I won’t apologize for the
things I’ve done and said,
but when I win your heart,
I’m gonna paint it cherry red”